When Insecurity Dresses as Love: A Journey to Self-Understanding

Throughout the years, I have recognized a recurring pattern in nearly all of my past relationships, five in total. This pattern centers around a subtle yet persistent theme: insecurity.

In the early stages, everything felt effortless. There was admiration, mutual curiosity, and the promise of a meaningful connection. However, as the relationship deepened and more layers were revealed, a shift would begin to occur. Admiration would gradually shift into comparison, and eventually into competition. The very men who once praised my strength would either attempt to diminish me, withdraw in resentment, or betray the trust we had built.

For a long time, I tried to dim my light to help others feel more comfortable in their own skin. I downplayed my achievements, concealed my intellectual curiosity, and minimized the aspects of myself that made me proud, all in hopes of alleviating their insecurities. Yet, no matter how much I softened myself or offered reassurance, it only seemed to exacerbate their discomfort.

I’ve never been unfaithful. I spend the majority of my time at home, immersed in reading, studying history and current affairs, and cultivating a quiet, reflective life. Yet, when I step outside and strangers offer a kind word or strike up a conversation, the man beside me often interprets it not as a compliment to his partner but as a threat to his ego.

There was a time when I questioned myself, wondering if perhaps I was the issue. However, with clarity and grace, I’ve come to understand the truth: it was never about me. Their insecurity doesn’t reflect my worth; rather, it serves as a mirror to their own unhealed wounds.

In fact, my education and ambition have often worked against me in these dynamics. I remember once asking God, “Why would You grant me the opportunity to attend my dream school only for it to be held against me?”

The answer arrived gently, in an unexpected moment.

Not long ago, I had the pleasure of meeting an older gentleman in a class. Throughout the session, he spoke with such warmth and pride about his wife, her career, her accomplishments, and her brilliance. Remarkably, he never mentioned his own achievements, though it was clear that he, too, was quite accomplished. His pride in her illuminated the room, overshadowing any need for personal validation. In that moment, I felt as if God was showing me what it means to be loved by a man who is truly secure in himself.

Some men choose not to compete with their partners; they decide to celebrate them. They see their partner’s success not as a threat but as a shared victory. These are the men who don’t require their partners to diminish themselves to feel tall.

As a result, I have decided to stop aiming low.

I’ve started to immerse myself in environments filled with confident, self-assured, and genuinely kind individuals. In fact, some fellow alumni from my university will be gathering soon, and I’ve chosen to join them. It feels invigorating to return to spaces where I can dream unapologetically and no longer feel the need to apologize for who I am.

To every woman who has ever felt compelled to dim her brilliance for the sake of love, I encourage you to choose yourself. Do so with grace, intention, and without shame.

The right person won’t simply let you shine; they will glow right alongside you.